I'm messed up: The Calleighho Story
by dr-kate
Summary: Strange and bizarre parody... quite insane and random... be warned!


Disclaimer: dont own anything or anyone... although i would like to own eric delko if i could.... daydreams

Notes: My friend and i were on a sugar high so we decided to write this insane story...

Summary: this is a whole heap of random crap...

She lay down on her bed, exhausted from a hard case at work. "Ahh, another day, another defilement sorted out" she muttered to herself. She closed her eyes and went to sleep only to be abruptly awoken by her phone's harsh ring. "Calleigh Duquesne" she said in a tired drawl. There was no answer but the phone was still ringing. "Hello?" She looked at the phone inquisitively then realized that she had forgotten to press the 'talk' button. "Crap" she exclaimed out aloud. She threw her phone across the room in anger that she was so dumb, where it broke. "Not again" She cursed under her breath. This was the forty-eighth phone she had broken in a month. But she usually blamed it on the late night phone calls she received from her clients. Yes, clients. Calleigh Duquesne, or should I say Cally- Ho, was infact moonlighting as a prostitute. She snuggled back into her covers and was about to fall asleep when her other mobile rang. She remembered to press the talk button on her mobile this time and answered "Cally-Ho speaking, how may I service you" in her raunchy southern drawl. There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Erm, Calleigh, is that you? Is this a bad time to call?" A familiar voice finally came over the line.

Calleigh gasped and swore under her breath. "Speed, is that you?"

"Yeah, what's with the whole Cally-Ho thing? Is that a joke?"

"Yes, of course it was, what kind of girl do you think I am!" She said relieved. Her cover wasn't as blown as she thought it was.

"Okay then, Hank Kerner is on the loose. You've got to come in immediately, you're not safe." He said with a touch of danger in his voice.

"Hank, whom?" She asked stupidly.

"Calleigh, it's the guy who killed your best friend last year."

"Ohh, you mean that bitchy lawyer Janet, as if she'd be friend." She replied almost airily.

"Well, anyway... H has ordered you to come in immediately. So get your sweet little southern ass down here right now, you hear that. My little wench!"

Calleigh was shocked at the statement that was just thrown at her. "I beg your pardon, do I hint a touch of romance in your voice you sexy beast!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me, I guess I suddenly realized that I love you and I want to make passionate, sensual love with you."

"Well, the making out is fine but the love will cost you!" She replied raunchily.

"I've got all the money in the world for you, Cally-Ho." Speed said sexily. He couldn't wait to see her pretty green eyes sparkle at him. "I love you babe."

"I love you too pooky!" She said. She too, suddenly realized that she had always loved Speed. Funny how that happens, eh?

She hung up the phone and got out of her raunchy corset with fishnet stockings and FMB's and into a more respectable outfit of a white suit and a soft pink blouse underneath. She left her bedroom and wandered into her living room where she heard a voice from behind her.

"Hello... bitch" Said the scary voice.

Calleigh swiveled around, yes...swiveled, only to be met by Hank Kerner, her formidable enemy. "Ohh, hi. What are you doing here?" She asked flirtatiously, "You should always make an appointment; you nearly scared the shit out of me. I'm kind of busy so can you come back later?"

Hank Kerner looked dumbly at her, his head tilted to one side. He was wondering what the hell she was going on about. He drew his gun and shot her in the shoulder.

Calleigh felt a burning pain in her shoulder and fell to the floor. Crimson blood was pouring from the bullet wound and everything was going black. Just then, Speed came running into the apartment wearing a Superman costume.

"Unhand that woman you gnarly beast!" He exclaimed then realized Hank wasn't actually holding Calleigh so he felt pretty stupid. "I mean, get away from that maiden" He said, but then realized that he was on the other side of the room to Calleigh. "For Zeus' sake, just come over here so I can put handcuffs on you and then escort you to the police car that has conveniently just arrived outside the house." He said angrily. Hank obligingly got cuffed and then put in a police car that had conveniently arrived.

Speed hurried over to Calleigh who was unconscious and bleeding out. The paramedics came through the door just as he was in the middle of talking to the person on the other line of 911. "How the hell did you get here so fast? I didn't even say where we were yet." He said, amazed.

"We're paramedics, we know everything. Now lets get her back to the mother ship" One of the paramedics said to the other.

Geez these guys are weird, Speed thought to himself and jumped in the ambulance with Calleigh.

They went to the hospital, where Calleigh was being wheeled into a trauma room. Speed met up with Horatio who was in the waiting room. "How is she?" He asked Speed.

"Well, considering she's been shot, she's fine" He replied sarcastically.

The next few hours until the morning were fairly boring despite the fact that Speed and Horatio had an intimate moment that involved some tongue action.

"I'm sorry H, it's just not going to work between us" Speed said apologetically.

"It's okay Speed, I had my eye on my dead brothers widowed wife, you know." Horatio said warmly, his heart skipping a few beats as he remembered Yelina, the one who never does anything except to try to look pretty at a crime scene. So perfect. Plus she doesn't object to his Matrix style sunglasses, which look pretty lame on him and annoy the crap out of viewers. Back on track...

"Eww man, that's so wrong." Speed said, totally grossed out.

"And what we just did wasn't?" Horatio argued.

Horatio had a point, that little kiss was pretty slobbery. It had happened on the spur of the moment when their hands touched together accidentally as they both went to pick up Horatio's infamous sunglasses that fell on the floor.

They walked into Calleigh's room where she was just coming to. Speed noticed something that may be remotely linked to a crime so he jumped onto Calleigh's bed to get a closer look.

"What the fudge are you doing, you're standing on my shoulder dumbshit!" Calleigh yelled as she opened her eyes and winced in pain.

"Oh, sorry, I was investigating a crack in the ceiling which may have remotely been related to a crime. Where there is a crime, I must solve it!" He exclaimed, still wearing the Superman costume. Conveniently, a gust of wind blew through the open window causing his cape to flap in the breeze. He got off of her bed just as Horatio was about to shoot him for scrapping his oh so precious sunglasses.

"We won't let anyone hurt you, will we... my precccciiouuus' Horatio said speaking lovingly to his weird assed sunglasses. He turned back to Calleigh who was looking at him as though he had just eaten a cat. "Calleigh, are you all right" he asked worriedly. Big lines were creasing on his over large forehead.

"Geez, you've got a big head, you know that Horatio" The southern bell drawled sleepily. "I'm alright, except Superman here ate all my friggin jello!! It was green too, my favorite flavor," She said like the spoilt brat that she is.

"Ahh, never mind, I'll solve the crime and put myself away for a life time for eating your precious jello" Speed said sarcastically as he stripped from his Superman costume to reveal a green polka dot dress that he was wearing underneath. "What?" He asked curiously as Calleigh and Horatio stared at him, mouths gaping open. "Women wear pants and shirts so why can't men wear dresses?" He said while applying some lip-gloss and eye make-up that he had stolen from Calleigh's bathroom the previous night. "Do you think this colour is too harsh on me?" He asked politely while gesturing to the dark blue eye shadow.

Calleigh rolled her eyes and winced in pain again. "Geez, my shoulder hurts like someone just stepped on it, I wonder why?" She said stupidly with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

The doctor came in and did a check up, saw Speed applying make-up and left the room as fast as he could. "Do you think I scared him?" Speed asked saddened.

"Maybe you should take the dress off." Calleigh said helpfully.

"Okay" Speed replied and took off the green polka dotted dress only to reveal a lacy black corset.

"I think I preferred the dress," Calleigh said disgustedly.

"So that's what happened to it." Horatio exclaimed out aloud but realized this was a mistake for Calleigh raised her well-plucked eyebrows in curiosity.

"Something tells me that you're screwed up royally." Calleigh exclaimed. "Did something happen that I should know about?"

"Well, me and Horatio had a fling last night in the waiting room but it ended when I realized that it was you I love" Speed said sweetly.

"I love you too pooky chicken" She replied randomly. She suddenly turned white and puked all over the floor. "I don't feel so good." She hurled again, this time all over Speed and his corset, so he took it off and ran around the room in the nude screaming "God save the Queen" which could be taken in two different contexts. (I don't think that made sense but you get what I'm saying) (I hope). The nurse came in and dressed Speed in his normal clothing and then said "Would you like a potato, dear?" randomly to Calleigh.

"No, thanks. I seem to of lost my appetite after throwing up twice." She replied and hurled again. "Make that three times."

"Well, maybe you're pregnant. Now are you sure you don't want that potato?" She asked. "I could mash it for you if you wanted and then I could maybe add some extra butter. When it comes to butter on potatoes, the cook is one tight bastard."

"What is it with you and the friggin potato??" screamed Calleigh.

"Very hormonal" she said to Horatio "I reckon that she is pregnant"

"Don't look at me, I didn't get her pregnant." Said the doctor walking in as everyone was staring at him. "Well, I've decided that you are pregnant Calleigh, I didn't need to do any tests because I'm psychic, I've also decided that you have three weeks to live, well I have to go. I'm also the cook and I have to mash some potatoes" the doctor/cook slipped over the vomit and then ran out screaming about how gross it is when people throw up and that maybe he should use vomit instead of butter in his mashed potato recipe.

Calleigh was shocked by the fact that she was pregnant; the father could be anyone because she didn't believe in knowing the men before she got jiggy with them. Then she realized that it must be Horatio's baby. Yes, Horatio's baby indeed. It all made perfect sense now, maybe not to me, maybe not to you. But to Calleigh, it did. "Horatio, it's yours." Calleigh exclaimed.

Horatio, who was running around in the nude now yelling "God save the Queen who is me" slipped on the vomit covered corset and fell to the ground. "Say what now?" He said, suddenly the room was quiet, except for Speed's occasional farting. He had had gastronomical problems for a while now and everyone hated working in the same crime lab as him because it smelt so bad. They even had to put in an air vent because the stench was starting to over power everyone.

"Yes, it must be yours." Calleigh said. "Remember that night at the crime lab, it was all dark and I was scared. You comforted me and then one thing led to another and here I am today." Calleigh started crying. "I'm so screwed up at the moment." She wailed.

"What do you mean, apart from having your lover's boss' baby." Speed said.

"Well, I have been moonlighting as a prostitute recently for some extra money and pleasurable encounters" She said as another tear rolled down her cheek.

"Aww, baby, don't cry!" Speed said. Horatio was now unconscious on the floor after hitting his head on the wall too many times in anger and frustration.

"Horatio, are you alive?" Calleigh asked as she looked down at Horatio who now had blood dripping down him mouth. "Oh God, he's dead!" She exclaimed and started wailing. Dead? Horatio Caine dead? He was seemingly immortal, and had never bled in his life except for in the episode 'Body Count' but that's another story.

Suddenly, Horatio stood up and started laughing. "Ha, I fooled you all, you thought I was dead, didn't you?!?" He said, crying with laughter. "It was the ultimate prank and you fell for it!" He was now on the floor clutching his stomache.

Calleigh looked down at him incredulously (incredulously... is that even a word. Spell Check says it is so I'm satisfied.) "You horrible bastard, I really thought you were dead! How could you scare us like that?" She looked at Speed who was too, laughing so hard he was on the floor. "Speed, how can you be laughing?"

"I'm not laughing at that, I just farted and it sounded so damn funny! It kind of tweaked out of my ass and... ohh god, it was funny." Speed said as he wiped his face of the tears of laughter that were rolling down his cheeks. He looked at Calleigh and Horatio who were both now vomiting at the smell that was starting to waft around them. "Sorry, my bad. Geez, that does smell a bit chunky, doesn't it?" Speed then fainted along with Calleigh and Horatio. They didn't actually faint though, they died. They had all gone through gun firing, bomb explosions and mass murdering but the one thing that would actually finish them off was Speed's gross gastronomical problems.

The End... or is it?


End file.
